Mindfulness

I am taking a free mindfulness class today. Fuc i hope it relaxes me! Lol 

This is one of my favourite teas. 

I bought it in cake form this time. Its so earthy and good.  

Frustrated but think positive.

There is nothing more frustrating than having to defend your self when you know your testimonial is true. Im having to appeal a decision regarding the hernia i got at work when i was working bosun chair. 

I guess out of principle im willing

to battle it out rather than have my employer deny the truth. I honestly wish i could spend my resources on my mental health but im not going to be told my hernia wasn't created at work when it was. Esp when all 3 doctors or technicians mention it in there notes.  You just cant let crooked employers get away with treating employes like shit wile they damage there lives and get away with it. 

I wish i know more back when i was working, but thankfully there are lawyers and other organizations willing to help employees who have been mistreated. 

When i get the energy i will explain further with pics. And this will help my mental health I'm sure. 

Please forgive me. 

Pretty things will come eventually on this blog i hope.  

Ps i got a random text from a friend in NYC, i had a art show there maybe 4 years back and it was nice to think they are still thinking of me and my art :) 

When the time comes i will hopefully bust out a art new series of some kind. At this time im mostly just focusing on my health. And thankfully its spring! Man thats great! I saw flowers in the ground today!! 

I took this pic last year. I was amazed when i saw it. 

Library pic

Man i havent read in a long time. I need to make a date and just go the the library and read. Somehow its easier to read at a library. Lol i love that they are super quiet! 

I took this pic last week when i got some docs. This library is so pretty!! 

I wish i could explain how things have changed after my accident, but this to me says allot. I burned myself today wile cooking. And some how i never noticed until 2 hours later.  This is it after covering it in ice for a hour. Its looking much better. Hoping it doesn't leave a scar.   

Exausted but enjoying this video on Scotland

I feel like i need a warm vacation, I keep doing ok then getting sick for a days then ok then sick again. And it seems to change constantly. (My moods) Every time i get sick its not like the way it was before and i never know how or when its going to hit me. The one thing i hate is after my accident i feel frozen, Like allot of my feelings are gone. Its like im outside my body. I keep trying mindfulness but it only takes a second of stress real or not before im back seperated again. Also my wsib is not going to cover emdr treatment the doctors want me to get and i feel i really need. So i need to prepare for a fight. And thats not helping at all. Im finding this ptsd thing pretty hard and complicated. And i also keep busting out in hives when i get over stressed. Lol fuc. Mostly i find it best to sleep for the most part. 

Im also trying to save money or just spend less. But yesterday i went out with my friend for brunch and had a grilled cheese with hashbrowns and the tiniest beer i have ever seen and my bill was $27. No wonder i cant afford to eat out any more. Lol Fuc. The city is getting too hip to fast. 

Well in terms of a fake vacation i have been watching this old video from 1979 about walking through rural places in Scotland.  And im actually not ready for a vacation, too exhausting. But this video is fun to watch and feels like im on one for a sec. Lol My adoptive parents where Scottish and its cool to see how things where in Scotland when they where around. Its also very beautiful!

He seems to like to visit old fishing villages and he is also a bird lover like me. Its nice. You get it from the library. 

Weir's way 1979. 

One of my favourite libraries.

This is the view from one of my favorite libraries. Its in Toronto city hall. Im not sure what it is. But when im not feeling well or im stressed out i go to a library and i feel like i am apart of something larger than my self. I can see all kinds of people there, people studying next to homeless people and people just trying to get out of bed and get out of the house in a peaceful place for a few hours. It is so much better than the mall. 

This week i joined a club for people with mental health issues, and i just love it!! 

I have met so many great people with simmiler issues to mine and lots with very diffrent mental health issues. And there is lots of gay and transgender people there and its a good. 

So im going to keep going to the club. 

I was sleeping 15hrs a day there for months and thinking way way to much. Fuc. 

Anyways i do need to make a day to back to the library and keep reading my 

Little book. Jerney to the center of the earth.  Im just on chapter 3, its a fun adventure so far!! 

Metronome for sleep

I have been using this used $5 metronome to sleep at night.  My brain cant stop thinking even when im tired. I bought this for trying to improve playing my digeridoo, but it sounds so hypnotic i thought i would try it at night. It really works.  I wind it up set it to the slowest setting and just listen to it and some how im out cold before it needs to be rewound, lol.  try it if you have trouble sleeping or relaxing.  Its cheaper and healthier than medication. 

The journey

I must say i think i am a pretty good communicator, well i try.  but the last few months i have had so many friends and family pull dick moves on me, i just cant handle it. I really just don't have much to say to anyone. With a few exceptions id sooner just be left alone. Im just stunned how selfish people are.  If i havent called you, just leave me alone thank you very much. 

On a side note, i finally finished my book. It was dullllll, but im happy i finished it rather than put it down. 

My next larger book is old, its about the voyage of captain cook. I was told he was a real jerk! But i kinda want to know what it was like being on a ship in 1700 something. But first im going to read this little adventure. This little book is 50 years old. 

Kombucha??

 I wanted to show you something cool or at least unique. First i wanted to get a kombucha mushroom because my stomach was wrecked after a bad reactions to a few bad medications. I wanted to see if it would help. On a side note i had this jar full of wine with cling wrap and a hole so flies could get trapped in the room with my house plants. after months it was full of flies and looking pretty yukky.  I washed the jar and cleaned it out the best i could. 

Then i added beer to it so it would do the same thing  (catch flies).  Well i looked at it a few weeks later and this scobi, kombucha looking thing grew all by its self!  First i was shocked! 

Is this even possible? I have no idea? So i decided to remove the liquid and flies and i replaced it with tea and sugar and yes it grew another baby just like a kombucha.  Now i have no intentions on drinking this liquid. 

And Thankfully my stomach is kinda better, But i think i actually grew a kombucha by myself. I just think its crazy.  I created life! Lol  

I think only the craziest things like this happen to me. What are the chances. Im going to continue feeding it tea and sugar and just see what happens. So far its growing properly and produces a liquid that ferments. 

I wish i could have it tested to see what i really created. 

If ur a scientist and want to test it let me know. Its yours. Lol  

Ps im almost finished reading my lost gold bars book. 2 more chapters left. The story picked up a bit. I must say reading makes me so tired, a chapter or 2 and im ready for bed, lol. but its good i am working at it. 

The one thing i will say my next book will probably be nautical related, being on a boat seems fun.  

Great doc i watched

I watched this great biography on Joshua Slocum. I didnt know who he was but it was such an inspiring Doc. Its about a captain who sailed around the world by himself. He is also a Canadian from the bay of fundy. 

1890 ish. Very cool dude! 

Crumpets

I made crumpets the other day. They tured out pretty good. 

The first 2 attempts failed. 

Its a tricky recipe to pull off. 

My 4th attempt was not as good as the 3rd.  Il keep trying every so often untill i get it perfect. 

Other than that im feeling tired these days, I have mostly been watching docs and trying to read a little and sleep allot. 

Im sorry i haven't gotten back to anyone these days. Lol

Im hoping on getting this therapy soon, cross my fingers. Its called   EMDR, My nerves are too shot and id like it to work. 

I remember when i was a kid my friends mom was always stressed and sick, i asked why and he said her nerves where shot, i wondered why doesn't she just get over it?  Its not until your older you realize its not that easy.  

Medication has destroyed my stomach and its just a gamble im not wanting to take anymore. But hopefully if i get this it will help :) 

This is my digeridoo i made and im slowley learning, and im half way through my old book. :) 

.

I gave up for second after chapter 2, it was really boring,  now a few weeks later im starting it over again. The cover is so cool!! 1970 edition. Now im on chapter 5 and, well they found the lost ship and the gold right away and they are just collecting all the gold, they keep talking about this high tec diving contraption. I guess it was new in the day, Lol.  im just waiting for the really exciting part. Its very Scottish i had to look up this word.

ha·ver

ˈhāvər/

verb

SCOTTISH

gerund or present participle: havering

1. talk foolishly; babble.

   "Tom havered on"

   • BRITISH

     act in a vacillating or indecisive manner.

     "most people giggle at their havering and indecision"

Im not the best reader, But I'm going to try to read this old book :)

I rode and camped up north last week. It was a heat wave and a few days later freezing wet and windy. Man I'm still wiped from that trip! Lol 

Crazy day

I had The craziest day yesterday. I went to Chinatown to do groceries and this man was passed out on the road and in front of a bank and the Italian Embassy driveway. 

Literally thousands of people walked by this man passed out on the street. I saw a police officer riding by on a bicycle and I stopped and waved him down and all he said was I got to go and then just took off on me. So me and another gentleman decided to get together pick the guy up & take him to the wall of the bank in the shade, better than being on the street. I had to put handfuls of his change back in his pocket. 

I quickly grabbed groceries and when I came back five minutes later he was in the exact same spot passed out with again tons and tons of people just looking and walking by and not helping. I went inside the bank and told them to call Someone to help this guy. And they looked at me like I was just being a complete pain in the ass, like that was not their problem. They eventually said they would call 911. 

I try to speak to the guy again and I told him to please get off the road and then he drank rubbing alcohol and said that he was fucked. He got up and stumbled off and I regret not calling 911 myself to get this poor guy help. It saddens me it's not easier to get help when people need it. 

And considering where he was laying during rush hour I should've called 911 I regret not doing that.  

I don't think the bank called at all. 

Self portrait

i have been on 3 medications in 2 months for my crazy brain. I seem to have bad reactions to all of them so far. 

its like ii have been on a mental roller coaster ride. 

Today I am joining the impact study, they will study my genetics and how it relates to reactions to medications. Cool!  

I did buy a Bicycle to burn off my energy and avoid the TTC. I rode 500 km so far. I slept way way too much this summer. I think my brain is being eraced, but considering all the crazy things I have seen, its probably not a bad thing lol. 

I have been thinking about art. i guess thinking about what i have made in the past, what i enjoy making and , why does anyone make art in the first place. i guess its a great way to Express yourself and create something beautiful at the same time. it's too bad it takes a lot of energy to make. 

This is my first self-portrait. Lol

The raccoon

The other day on my patio i was listening to my podcast at my picnic table with my headphones on and a raccoon snook up on me and put its mouth right around my leg and softly bit me without breaking the skin. after I felt the bite I looked down and saw this raccoon and I screamed at the top of my lungs then it ran behind the fence, with this cute little face 2 of them looked like they just wanted to play! honistly i think only the craziest things happen to me! 

its hard to see but this was the only redness it left. 

my guppies :)

I remember taking one of these old TTC Street cars and I was a kid. i think they look cool!!

Reliving the dream

I am going to tell you about an experience I had the other day! first of all I'm going to start by saying I have had a lot of nightmares in the past six months or so. One of The nightmares oddly enough keeps reoccurring and it involves me being in the park system where I grew up, but strangely enough at night and kinda lost. 

Anyways I visited my sister for the first time in quite a few months. We had fun and was talking about her upcoming trip to Scotland, we had a few beers, pizza and the largest cheese platter I ever seen! she's a great host! 

at some point we where talking about her trip & her going to visit my parents old homes and me wishing i could go and also our crazy family, and she said something 

randomly that (just set me off), it essentially related to my place within the family, and somehow with her response I completely snapped! rather than just talking about it or saying well that's stupid or whatever, I literally bolted in my flip-flops right out her front door faster than a dog at a fireworks show, I don't understand my rationale but I ran and I ran and i ran! I could hear them chasing me down the street, saying  Blair come back blair come back, and the more they yelled the faster I ran! somehow I just thought I'm going to out run these guys! in my brand new flip-flops on the very first day wearing them I just kept going! somehow I didn't really know where I was going all I knew was running and going home eventually, I managed to pass the high school that I went to, I managed to pass the town house I lived in i've managed to pass the middle school that I went to and I managed to pass the other townhouse complex I grew up in and the school I went to in grade 5. and when I couldn't run any further I just kept walking towards the city. (my current house) and just like my dreams I actually went through the entire park system that I grew up in when I was a kid but at night! just like those reoccurring dreams, I could've taken the bus or any number of sensible things but somehow I just lost it and kept going! at some point I didn't even know where I was going, I was walking down an abandoned 4 Lane roadway with construction and didn't care at all. i just kept going! I thought to myself this may take a couple days to get home but it's OK I'm in a really good mood, I'm just gonna keep on going. At some point I remember thinking why didn't I bring my shoes and glasses!  I somehow filled my water bottle from this industrial park lawn sprinkler and turn my phone on airplane mode to save the battery in case of an emergency, I even managed to take a couple photos because I couldn't believe that I was on this incredible adventure. 

Somehow about 10 km in, I wasn't sure what direction I needed to go in, I turned my phone on and because I didn't have my glasses I couldn't see google maps. Somehow in my crazy logic I decided I will text my friend a screenshot of the map and he can look at the map and tell me which direction I need to go. I don't know what I was thinking,lol. I think I was hoping he would say oh yeah take that road to the left, see you later man. lol and that's essentially when I guess (he freaked out!), I was pretty much trying to brush off everything because I was still on a mission and wanted to walk home, at this point I was at the airport, (at this closed burger place where we used to bike ride when we were kids to watch the planes) and that's when he somehow convinced me not to go anywhere! within a few minutes I was in some strangers Uber car heading to his place. and then at his place three people convince me to go to the hospital Camh. i'm pretty much a pushover so I went. 

I still can't believe all those park system dreams months in advance, I inadvertently relived them in that crazy state. call it psychic déjà vu I don't even know what that was. 

All I know is my flip-flops are definitely worn in! and I'm glad things turned out the way they did. and yes i'm getting help! 

ever since my accident at work and a few other incidents at that place, im just not the same,  but because of those crazy dreams and this experience I can't help but think there must be a higher power and a purpose for it all. 

The healthy worm composter

Thats all i got on my phone for now, I will see what I can find when I'm out the next few weeks, I am starting this new medication for my brain and I feel like I got a bit of a fever. wheeew 😰 #google could you please try to update this app for the iPhone it keeps crashing.

The basking bee basking in the sun.